REMOVAL OF BATH PARTY & WMD's

by Luke Leslie May 12th 2008

The Baths of Dun Laoghaire

Oh how I enjoyed them when I was 8, when I didn't mind the freezing changing rooms, the flaking paint, the men who stare, or the reclaimed building site rubbish chutes they told us were water slides which sadly closed when a high speed child came skimming out the bottom sans left index finger, later found wedged between slide panels.

I loved the medium sized pool, feared the large one, dispite the crowds and seaweed, I learnt to swim in there. No one need rose tint the baths for me, I have my own memory of what they were, and what they were, in their hey-day, was a bit crap to be honest.

A few years ago the county council decided to reenergize the seafront. Firstly they added the yellow-brick road to replace the aging concrete promenade. They added more benches, confusing sculptures that could be bins, more sculptures of giant urchins and glowing rocks, and eventually the much celebrated community events such as the Festival of World Cultures and the Farmers Market in the Peoples Park.

Then they came across the baths, which had been closed at that point for what was nearing a decade. Re-developing the baths, the public agreed was a good thing. A derelict, and slowly collapsing Bath house had become somewhat of an eyesore.

A plan was then drawn up in the normal county council manner. It was conceived in a boardroom, put on limited public display, social consultation was virtually nonexistent, and eventually it was quietly passed on though, between No votes for the Nice treaty, and anthrax pranks. It's inception was by committee, as most things in this manner are, was not created with malicious intent, county councils are just by nature overly bureaucratic, I certainly doubt our wealthy middleclass representatives could of expected the backlash from their equelly wealthy constituents. Cove-ers are after all quiet fond of private buisness.

At this time, I think it's important to introduce you to a lovely chap, HRH Richard Boyd Barrett. I've met the myth on only one occasion. I was walking though Dun Laoghaire in what I imagine nostalgically to have been a lovely summer's day in Transition year. The man was waving a flier, and wielding a megafone. Chanting something about the Socialist Workers Party, aside a banner that if memory hold's true read something like Socialism is NOT the same as Communism. I approached him to ask a quick Q or two about his radical yet undoubtably well thought out designs for Dun Laoghaire, after gathering there wasn't much going on in or around the general vicinity of J-Barrett, I said my goodbyes and politely asked him to turn down his megafone.

The next time I saw him, the megafone was back, and this time it was hooked to much larger much louder PA system, much closer to my house. It was about 2 years later and I'd been interuppted from cramming, as I sat in the living room with the leaving certificate looming. I heard drumming, smelt hemp, and to my surpise saw old women en masse.

A D2 in Classics...

It seemed Richard B.B had eyed up the council's fancy plan, and fallen head over heals for it. In it he saw a lovely opportunity to cause a bit of a mess, a mucky ruckus and chiefly some beautiful obstruction. Obstruction bested only by Parnell himself. It was then that Senator Barraket attached himself to something called Save our Seafront.

A Distraught Save our Seafront Groupie with attached Champagne Bottle

Saving Seafront's isn't as easy as it looks. There's always a villian, a badie, Clyde was saving us from his and our worst nightmare: Big scary business, and it's creepy henchmen - politicans. Now we all know of the toils of the downtrodden working class community in Sandycove. The Man's ruthless closing of our flax mill, steam factory and coal mine in recent years has caused a recession leading to less boutiques opening, and Caviston's barely selling enough Italian mixed fromage Frais to sustain the float for Blooms day. The people of Dun Laoghaire seem to be exactly the key demographic to sympathize with the idealistic pursuits of a radical socialist.

Sarcasm aside - he did somehow, find a foothold with this lot.

They sit up poles, lost a contact lens, and love family BBQ's

Christie Moore was a great support band for Boyd Zone

Boydzy then loudly explained how allowing high rise development would set a precedent for the coastline...

For once, it wasn't because of protest hopping Hippies, and there were A LOT of Hippies, (probably from iadt) with A LOT of drums, No.. That wasn't it. It wasn't because the wealthy middle-class constituents of this area sympathized especially with his anti establishment mentality, which seemingly was inseparable from the Save our Seafront campaign, no, it wasn't that either…

Hardcore support

In the end it all came back to the county council.

The council's failure to inform the public accurately, and consult in drawing up a plan, gave Boyd George and his troupe at Save our Seafront the foothold they needed to re-educate us.

Apparently, the plan was to Fill in the Bay with nasty concrete, and create an artificial coastline in Dun Laoghaire. Something completely alien, exceedingly yucky and very horrible, something that we absolutely couldn't possibly allow. I can't even imagine it - my mind bleeds.

The Evil plan would bring in private business, to help pay for the multimillion euro development. They'd be developing what is currently public land, but in doing so would add heft loads of amenities. Chiefly it would have erected a new building to house, business, and residential space plus a new state of the art pool. Pooh and titsy said Save our Seafront.

Scrapped Private 8-10 Story Building, aside current highly un-artifical coastline

Indoor pool with glass facade that shifts to open air in summer, closes for warmth in winter.

Nil Poi

Now I may be nitpicking. But the baths themselves are at sea-level, while the road beside them is as much as 3 stories higher. The old plan proposed a large shiny building (whist not exactly in keeping with Dun Laoghaire's Georgian Landscape) when viewed from the road, it would only have been 3 stories high, sitting across from the peoples park and not blocking the views from the large Georgian houses (as Loyd Barront had been loudly exclaiming over Turbofone) the plan actually only mentioned a building a max of 6 stories in height. That in no way blocked access to the bay, our set a precedent to knock down protected buildings or build ontop of greenspaces.

ew...

The old plan also featured several new coastal bathing places echoing the 40-Ft, and new amenities included a large new coastside public park, street level shops, and a public plaza for a winter ice rink.

But the gents and dames of the Dun hadn't been told that. Ritty B Loyd had spun a better yarn, featuring brown envelopes, evil corporations, greedy tax men, bay filling, a sky scraper, somewhat irrelevant facts about council housing in Dalkey and of course Christy Moore. Who played infamously at gathering of nearly 10,000 grannies, Hippies and petition signers, proudly standing shoulder to shoulder at an event that (get this) had no planning permission from the council, rebels 1 empire 0. Cheers arose as Lord B announced this as dumpster divers with chubby haircuts and African instruments reinforced the stereotype that white people don't have rhythm.

Why not take the protest to the councilmen? This wasn't a protest it was parade, a day out, and hopefully some nice weather and hot sossies for the kids. Literally tens of thousands were duped into supporting a campaign that on principle stood for the right thing, but in actuality was a tissue of misinformation fabricated by a man bidding for the public eye, the more he distanced himself and the Save our Seafront campaign from working with the council, the more successfull the whole thing became. The more we noticed the small, polo neck wearing man with a very loud voice. He denied of course in an email I sent him, aprently he had no political designs, this was for the people.

He of course lost, running in the next public election. But the Metro informed us he was the scandalous love child of a Cusack to much tish toshary and Chinese whispers.

Did ya here about Boi-yad?

It's now nearly 4 years since the Save our Seafront victory came and went bringing all development to a close. Since then, the Baths have never looked better. At-least on the pedestrian side, the facade now sports a new lick of paint, alas the same cannot be said for the back. Just don't expect anyone to let you in when you turn up tog ridden and towled.

Job Done.

After Roland Boy Carrot melted onwards and upwards back into the political agitation patchwork quilt. The council slowly developed new plans, clearly taking the publics outcry into account. These plans are online and free for your informed perusing and hum drumming. This time they feature no private development. There's two plans. I'm personally a bigger fan of Proposal A but choose your weapon sir, to me a bigger beach will mean a busier seafront, and Plan A has a new bigger underground carpark, getting rid of the existing over ground one.. If anything a new beech would need the carparking too. As soon as these plans came out. Save our Seafront re emerged for their first time since their critically panned box office smash attempting to stop the establishment of a smelly recycling center in a middle class area. Which was lets not forget, utterly Atrocious, there's doctors in the area.

Back for another round, after the writers strike, this time they're going for the fundamentals. This time its even easier. It's not No to big Business, it's No to everything on the proposal, and most importantly give us back the fantastic baths, death tubes and all.

Apparently all we want is our Baths, the same baths from our perfect childhoods, in all their finger severing glory.

And NO to Lisburn while we're at it, damn foreigners are coming up here and breathing up all the white man's air.

BUT Chiefly whatever you do - do not on under any circumstance redevelop the concrete jungle down by the East pier. Indeed whats the need? Now that its fitted with ample South sider proof signs warning of occasional swells from high speed ferries. About as nessicary as planned additional signs pointing out, that the signs infact have sharp edges.

If it ain't broke...

Current Amenities Lord B Barkley wants maintained and removed from proposal redevelopment lists

A sure sign of a healthy society

Instead why not pop round Teddies? Get a 99 creamo, pop it in or on a binzo (if you can), and drive the Benzo back the gaff talking about how atrocious the whole damn sit-u is. Better, pick up that dogs droppings while you're at it, might be liable for a fine for up to 1500 G's. But don't worry, if the council takes you up on it, the silver surfers and socialist armada lead by BoydBarrett.Parrot are just a email and new petition away from back slapping, local paper glory.

Sometimes I feel an overpowering urge to bring the canon back out of retirement.

Shooting at loundspeaker wielding finger pointers might be a bit much.

But the structural integrity of the Baths looks promising.