Begining/End

Luke Leslie December 2006

Also please excuse the incorect formatting, HTML does not take too kindly to the tab key, so the correct format of this short story is not what you are about to see. For that, I am forever in your debt...

This story is narrated by Alan Rickman (in brackets)

Cerberus the bulldog was having a bad fur day. Looking up at his new owner, Cerberus was struggling to keep pace. They were taking a hasty jaunt along some cracked pavement – crack also being the word for a substance his owner was fond of inhaling. Eyeing up Damien, his new owner (I’m avoiding the Disney cliché that the dog thinks he owns a pet human), he disliked his owners tacky gold necklace, his cowboy boots, his maroon silk suit, but most of all he disliked being dragged around when there's perfectly good sofas to sleep on. His owner was Damien Atamian, pronounced At-aim-ian the world renowned illusionist. (Don't be confused with Damien James the Canadian ventriloquist and entertainer, it's not a commonly used name these days, interestingly the two have gigged some of the same venues.) Cerberus disliked his owner, because Damien was not a very amiable person, as much as Cerbie tried to communicate to Damien that he would in all probability fail at his rather ambitious plan to dominate the world of magic, (stage-magic, not the Hogwarts variety) his efforts were in vain, Cerberus couldn't speak human.

I should take a moment to point out, this story is set in the near future where cars still can't fly, technology continues to create as many problems as it solves and the world is just as divided by religion and ethnic groups. Crackpot schemes such as a system of personal identification by engraved barcodes on the wrist had been implemented but hadn’t meet with much success. I am pleased however to report that the whole global warming thing has been sorted (don’t ask me how), people are running about on the surface of Mars, and several new colours have been discovered though no practical application has yet been found for any of them.

Dio Goodman, the main character in this epic tale, was taking a moment to relax. He was sitting looking about a somewhat desolate waiting room to Doctor Imbroglio's. This was his third visit to the psychiatrist, and though he found her advice near useless, it helped Dio to have someone to talk to, if only as a friendly ear to help him vocalize his own problems and work things out for himself. Every visit Dio would casually talk to other patients in the waiting room, and as a strange side effect, her patients were gradually decreasing in number week by week. Common sense seemed to be the medicine Dio prescribed but he was also a very caring and approachable sort of individual, his genuine desire to help people made his somewhat alienating career choice of carpentry that bit more useless in a world of cheap consumables made of Glastic (a plastic substitute expect to hear about it on your primitive internet some time soon) old age furniture made from wood was not exactly in high demand.

Sometime later, Dio was on the couch, the middle-aged archetypal psychiatrist sitting cross-legged on a leather chair to his right.

Dio, my notes mention that we were on the subject of your childhood, growing up without a father on a farm where you felt useless, bored and lonely... stated Dr. Imbroglio
I'm not one to complain, I just sat in a field counting sheep all day as a child, It was thankless work, but falling asleep was never a problem.
I know that Mr Goodman, but the purpose of our sessions is to help you get though this difficult phase you seem to be going through.
Well to be honest, the real reason I'm here is that I believe I'm going insane.
And why’s that? Dr. Imbroglio lowered her head.
Well, for the past year, I've been experiencing what I can only describe as
supernatural powers.

There was an awkward silence, the Doctor looked confused, ‘Such as?’
Okay, well for example when I came home last week, everything in my house was gone, I'd been burgled, my first reaction surprised even myself as I realized before I even had a chance to get angry that I'd already forgiven the thieves in light of the dire economic situation gripping our nation. I looked around the house and they had left nothing, even the floor boards had been torn up, I walked into the kitchen and I then realized the taps had been left running and the whole basement had filled with 2.4 meters of water (eight foot to you
imperialists of the 21st century) What I then noticed is I was in fact standing on the water’s surface, and not falling through to my aquatic basement.

There was a moment, while this sunk in, (no pun intended)
So... so you were walking on water essentially?
Exactly, I then noticed my goldfish was dead, and was floating in his bowl which was in turn floating on my now exceedingly damp floor. I picked him up and as soon as I did so he came back to life.
So Dio, you resurrected him...
Yeah, that wasn't half as odd as when he suddenly started multiplying in my hands.
Ahhh, well Mr Goodman, I'm beginning to see a pattern here.
Let me guess, it’s a random and crazy-like pattern, I’m crazy right?
No, no, no don’t be absurd! You just have a God Complex, it’s rare but does occur. Napoleon is a perfect example of someone you’ve heard of who had a God- Complex, basically you are starting to think you are divine Mr Goodman.
But that's impossible, I'm not a religious person at all, I don't read the Bible, I don't even go to Church
That's not important, the only advice I can give you is that you take some time off work, and go on a holiday or do something creative.
I'm creative every day of the week, I build things, that’s my job.
Dio, listen to me, you need some time off.

Dio walked out of Dr Imbroglio's office, as he pondered he came to the usual conclusion that these sessions were near useless,
What did she tell me that I didn't already know?
A question that occurred to Dio as he made his way through the front door, but before he could come to any kind of coherent conclusion he bumped right into someone.

Excuse me, muttered Dio, deep in thought.
Dio, Hey man good to see you, I'm just taking Cerbie to his appointment with the Doctor, he still hasn't warmed to me yet.
(The words you just read where vociferated out of Damien Atamien.) Dio replied;
Damien, you've had that dog since we were children on the farm, it's
nice to see you occasionally take some time out from being a world class
Magician to take care of someone, besides yourself.
Don't be like that D-unit, I said I was sorry I didn't mean to leave you in the lurch when I moved on to greater things, but the world was waiting... For Magic!
There was a flash of smoke and Damien was suddenly holding a piece of paper with the word ‘Magic’ written on it, he placed it in Dio's hand.
Yeah, well good luck to you. Dio smiled politely and patted Damien on the shoulder.
Thanks, hey if I ever lose the ability to make furniture appear out of nowhere, you'll be the first I person I call.
That’s quite a skill, you do realize this is a people doctor right?
Really? I thought she was dogs only, looks like she's diversifying.
This didn’t put Dio at ease. Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and Damien was gone, evidently though the front door, Dio could see him running down the hallway, the door was made of Glastic, (It’s transparent much like primitive Glass from your time)

Dio walked down the street, he noticed it was unusually dark for a Saturday afternoon in summer, it was bordering on night time, indeed stars where unusual at 1pm. He grew ever more concerned when particles of ash started falling onto his forehead, he wiped his brow and in doing so noticed the entire sky was filled with dark menacing cloud, just then a bolt of fiery lighting shot out of the sky setting the Doctor’s office ablaze in comically large explosion. Dio sprinted back in a vain hope of rescuing anyone be they man or dog from the blaze. Bursting through the door, up the stairs and into the waiting room, he found several helpless people struggling to get out, some had fused to the windows fashioned from Glastic (when exposed to temperatures exceeding 20 degrees Calicos, Glastic spontaneously bursts into flames and sprays itself all over anyone within a 6 meter radius, much like napalm from your time). In the coming moments, Dio would put his so called “Special Abilities” to task.

Pushing people, dogs and whatever he could find out the window, Dio saved the day, it was only a short two storey free fall to safely and happiness. After clearing the waiting room, Dio approached Dr Imbroglio’s door, he glanced at her position as ‘pan-species specialist’ and wished he’d noticed the large sign weeks earlier. He opened the door and was suddenly engulfed in flames, though miraculously he appeared to be unharmed by the flame. Taking a moment to take in the hellish surroundings of the doctors office, Dio noted it appeared that lightning directly struck through the roof and was channelled through Damien via his tacky gold necklace. Dio was unflustered. He moved to help Damien, but as he leant forward Damien burst into flames and splintered into thousands of pieces of darkness which flew out of the room at supersonic speeds. Eyebrows raised Dio remarked,

I didn’t expect that.

He looked around and Cerberus was gone too, (not even enough dog was left to make some kind of cheap hot-dog joke). Dio saw the charred black and dumbfounded doctor, facing him on the floor. Jaw agape, she coughed,

It’s, it’s a like nothing I’ve ever seen, you saved me, and the others, we owe you our
lives. You’re like Jesus except with superpowers.
I believe Jesus’ supernatural acts are in-fact called miracles, but don’t speak too soon, let’s get you out of here.
Charred black, the doctor’s arms crumbled to ash as Dio attempted to lift her, staring her right in the face Dio knew she was beyond saving. Closing his eyes he pulled her head to his chest and cried, his tears falling and causing searing pain as they fizzled on her mangled body.

Why?????? Dio screamed.

No sooner had he stopped screaming then he felt her hair in his fingers, looking back at her face, she was no-longer the likeness of a hideous burnt inter-species specialist but back to her usual form as a not unattractive middle-aged doctor. (Though she wasn’t exactly anything to write home about.) Dio was just glad to see her alive.

You healed me, you are Jesus, you are in fact God. I was wrong.

Dio was surprised at her outstandingly fast ability to change her mind, but Dio remembered to always take what Doctor Imbroglio had to say with a pinch of sodium chloride substitute (salt reserves run out circa 2052). Although, he reasoned perhaps what she was suggesting, however unlikely, might just make sense of the last year of his life. Besides he certainly didn’t feel crazy, it actually made several of the puzzle pieces such as his special abilities and his contradictory creative nature vs. his woeful career in carpentry fit together nicely, (like some kind of physical jigsaw puzzle, I suppose you know what those are don’t you? Kids these days have to look it up, not in a a book mind you, we don’t use those anymore, you people from the past really are pathetic.)
Dio picked her up and ran out of the building, putting her down just in time to look back at the blockbuster-esque mushroom cloud envelope the doctor’s former place of work. The Doctor stood in awe of Dio who took on a new ethereal-like majesty, the other dozen survivors crawled towards him in wonder. Simon, a young man Dio often offered advice to on those long waiting room hiatuses, struggled to choke up a sentence.

T- Thank you kind master, you may have shattered my legs but I owe you my life.
I apologize for your legs, I extend my heartfelt regret to all of you whom I threw out the window, but I’m sure you’ll come to forgive me. Listen there’s no time for me to heal you all, so here have some crutches.

In a flash he creates 12 sets of crutches.

Know this my disciples, I’ve seen enough Omen movies to know that if I’m
the son of God then the battle of Armageddon is upon us, we’ll need an army
of the willing to stand against the Armies of Satan.

The Rapture begins, the ground splits and Satan in the form of Damien appears along with his now three-headed hound Cerberus, but they are by no means alone. Damien is followed by countless thousands, the army of the damned wearing tacky silk suits, cowboy boots and golden necklaces. Damien bellows from atop a mound of Hellish textile,

And on the day of judgement all marked by the beast will be judged! Ha,
barcodes on your arms seemed like a subtle way of getting that bit of
prophecy discreetly fulfilled! I’ve always known I’d be the worlds greatest
Magician, and you can’t get much greater then the Devil himself!

Damien looks about triumphantly suddenly spotting Dio and sarcastically remarking,

Awwww, lo and behold the saviour – Dio goody two shoes, and his troupe
of Cripple Apostles. What a clueless pussy you continue to be. Look
at you, I’ve headlined with David Copperfield! What have you done
other then make stuff from wood? It’s a vastly inferior material in the
face of Almighty Glastic, the Devil’s Element!

Dio closes his eyes, a tear rolls down his cheek.

I forgive you Damien...

The Battle begins, (and rest assured it’s incredibly epic. I could go on and on about it, really I could, but let’s just take it as read that Dio destroys Damien,) What? how? I suppose Damien James the Canadian ventriloquist and entertainer probably turned up. As a consequence and the sheer confusion of having two badly dressed Magicians called Damien both shouting and marching about on Judgement Day, led to a lot of conflicting orders been given. and though not very likely this created some kind of Quantum singularity thus finally realigning Religion with Science, and blowing everyones minds to such an extent Damien in-fact committed suicide, therein killing Satan, and freeing humanity.
(You’ve just had the end of humanity summarized into paragraph form. Happy Now?) Dio is kneeling, laying Damien’s body to rest, standing up, he opts to passionately kiss Dr Imbroglio standing by his side contemplating the inconvenience of her name. He kisses her but immediately regrets his decision when he remembers there is zero chemistry between the two of them, and that she’s overall a pretty boring woman with mediocre allure and 20 years his senior...

Sorry, it felt like the right thing to do, mutters Dio.

Dio closed his eyes to avoid the embarrassment of the situation, when it suddenly occurred to him, that with the world now over, he won’t have to talk to or deal with another person ever, ever again. And you know, He was actually relieved. He opened his eyes again, squinting and trying to ignore the woman in his arms, the landscape was barren, desolate and scorched after what was undoubtedly the most cinematically impressive battle between good and evil ever. Dio felt proud to have played his part in it and pitied the fool who ever had read this far in the story expecting to actually gain some kind of insight on what to do during the Apocalypse.

The world melted away, (a rather poetic euphemism for saying everything around you has suddenly been incinerated leaving nothing but empty space, and a 3 headed bulldog floating about). Despite this, Dio felt at peace with everything and everyone. (Probably because they were all dead) Suddenly, standing a stones throw in front of Dio was God himself. Who casually walked over to Dio, looking around calmly he removed his Ray-ban sunglasses. Flatly he gestured to a set of simple but elegant chairs and said.

Son, sit down. I suppose we have to go through the motions.

God wasn't quite as calm or eloquent as Dio expected, he was in fact an overworked, middle-aged man sporting a a subtle french accent, but fluent English, a receding hairline, jeans, and moth-eaten t shirt, the kind of person you'd see going every year to your favorite concert who tells you how much better it was the year previous. He had a panicked air of eccentricity and remiss to him. God sat down and, tapping out a cigarette from a packet he had stuck up his T-shirt sleeve, he lit up. Dio stirred awkwardly in his seat, noticing it was in-fact one of his own designs.
Um... Okay, lots of questions, so you’re my dad?
Non, well yes, that farmer Joe really liked your mom, but when she told him she was carrying the son of God, who would in-turn usher in the end of the world, he figured any kind of sex he could offer her wouldn’t meet her standards.
Okay, here’s one that's bugged me a long time, what's the story with all the needless death?
God looked at Dio, disgusted. He began massaging his temple with his index finger.
Needless death...
God looked frustrated, Dio elaborated.
Okay, so the Earth in my experience hasn't been a fair place, not for me, and
certainly not for the majority of its inhabitants, not for some time. Good people die,
bad people thrive, I can't understand how you let this happen!
God took a long drag, and exhaled though his nostrils and coldly replied.
Listen kid, when you've created everything in the known universe, and several
other unknown ones...
Running his hand through his thinning hair.
There's a lot to keep track of, listen, I've tried being a hands-on kind of God, and trust me it just made things worse, if I could turn back the clock and stop myself from helping those damn Israelites, ugh. Chosen people? Naw they’re just some people I helped a few times, figuring they’d share what I teach them with everyone, but nooooo, they’re my chosen people all of a sudden acting all high and mighty, I created everyone equal, but I didn’t create everyone perfect. The worlds I created after seeing what can go wrong here on Earth have turned out much better.
Dio interrupted.
So we’re not alone?
God scowled and gazed into the abyss as he continued.
Mankind’s arrogance never ceases to amaze me. The people on those other worlds, never even formed nations, they got it, they figured it out, it’s very, very simple. I wish humans could just coexist and love each other as I intended.
Dio leaned slowly into God’s distracted gaze.
How come I don’t remember that I’m Jesus?
God’s eyes glanced towards Dio.
Jesus is just a name, evidently one that’s gone out of fashion, you’re called Dio, but when I sent and Angel to your mother during the night, she misinterpreted your actual name.
Dio was astonished, he’d lived his whole life without knowing his true name.
Sending Angles in the night isn't that effective as most the time, people are tired
when they get your message, so they either half interpret it, or just go mental. Indeed son, your true name is Dieu, but nobody pronounces French names correctly, just look at the butchery that’s been done to New Orleans.
God repeatedly muttered under his breath, Or-le-on.
So why do you sound French?
The French are perfect people, just look how clean their cities are, how well they handle administrative tasks, If anything I should have made them my chosen people, the Jews have caused nothing but trouble, and who really likes Broadway anyhow? I digress, what you are is my son, in the body of a man. You carry with you only the memories you make during your life, outside of your body you exist as a spirit, It’s all very “holy communion”. Basically every-time you’ve come back, you have a different name, a different body, what remains constant is that you always try to do what I have taught you. Besides would the memories of your crucifixion help you? A wise man explained this to me, and there was no way I could convince those so called Christians to loose the crosses. I’ve decided this is game over for earth, you can only restart so many times before you realize that a problem can’t be fixed, The Destruction of Lucifer incarnate as Damien will bring serenity to the universe, the new Earth will be much better. I’ve been planning it a long time.
God looked at Dio expecting more resistance, more explanation, but Dio was looking right back nodding.
You’re right, of course you’re right you’re God. I’ve a list of things I think we could change in the new Earth, for example, does Glastic really solve as many
problems as it creates?
God popped on his shades.
Listen I was in a hurry when I made this shit-hole, I was young, I’ve some groovy ideas for the new Earth, okay picture this, Scandinavia, except with warmer weather, and no ABBA.
Jesus it’s perfect...
You’re Jesus you dolt, come on, the worst that can happen is we have to start over in a few billion years.
Cerberus liked his new owner, The Son of God had a lot more time for a three-headed bulldog than The Son of the Devil had. Ah well, you can’t hold it against the Lucifer lot, some families are just cat people.

The Beginning / End

A Short Story (albeit rediculously long for a website article) written by Luke Leslie

online since Jan 06

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