Being Born Rather Early

By Ed Spring 2006

Being born rather early I at the moment am rather tall, Infact as I sit hear writing this, I am so tall, that I am half an inch taller than a 6 foot five inch tree. But life for me began on a much smaller scale, in fact so small that it is truly disgusting and generally repulsive. Did you ever pause to think why the pregnancy period in women is nine months, I did, and would you like to share in my acquired knowledge on the matter? I happen to know the reason. The reason is that nobody, ever is supposed to see the sight that is a baby born at six months, ME! Yes upon being ejected from the womb at an ungodly stage in the pregnancy I was host to a collection of needles, wires and various probes. Yes, believe it or not, (although if you don’t you are wrong) I was born very very early (3months) and let me tell you from experience, it is not that cool an experience for anyone. I was born at the weight of three pounds, about the weight of a novelty bar of Cadburys fruit and nut chocolate.

Another fact about me that most don’t know, or simply don’t care about is that I, being as Irish as potatoes was not born on this beautiful island. Infact I, like potatoes came from elsewhere. I was born in the educational haven that is Cambridgeshire. To some this would seem an advantage, right? Dual citizenship, fancy story too, but not in the primary school I went to! I already got a hard time about being the personification of a bean pole and having a name which rhymed with a verminous bird, but the pure unjustified hatred of the English among these people was off the chart.

These little kids who could not ( and still can’t) read or comprehend such issues found English to mean in their best language “shit”. So I had to escape ridicule by pulling off the illusion of having no connection with my birth country. I managed this wit an intricate system of ropes, pullies and mirrors. At the end of the day it is a little bit strange that I ended up on the scale I did. When I was born my head was the size of a small orange and my entire hand fitted around my fathers finger nail. I was riddled with needles and had to dwell in an incubator for the first two months of my life. I was also brought up, against my will, as a vegetarian by my mother. She wore the pants where I came from, and what she said was gospel, so I have sprouted from a meagre 7 or so inches to a veritable beast of 6ft 5.5 inches. The one thing I do find slightly suspicious is that my father, the reason for our Cambridgeshire residence was involved in botanical genetical engineering, hmmm small ed now “sprouting” to a healthy, leafy and flowering height? The plot thickens.

Ed now lives in a Cube

online since Jan 06

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