No. 5

The chimney sweep from Mary Poppins is also an inventor, he makes a car that has more features then an iPhone, and at some point along the way his children with exceedingly high voices get picked up by a pedophile. (Since they're so damn annoying they probably deserved the abuse) With adult eyes its easy to see how Michael Jackson was brought before a judge after this film had run its magic over 2 generations, but It's hardly fair on Michael, just because he fashioned himself to look like the childcatcher from the film doesn't actually make him a pedophile.

Lesson? Pedophiles all look like this, and watch out for them or they'll bundle you into the back of a giant child wagon disguised as a Mr Whippie van. They'll then take you back to a vast castle dungeon where Goldfinger (The King of Germany) will probably rape you since Germans are sexaholic people who fuck anything, espeically Poland in 1939.

Simply put. Don't talk to strangers

No. 4

A documentary film about Leprechauns before they were hunted to extinction by the Alien (See Alien) The Documentary featured James Bond in his early years battling with a silly woman (see Alien) the film revolves around Darby O'Gill Played by Eoghan Harris (also see Startreck VII - Generations where he plays Scottie). At the end of the movie, Darby dies and a Banshee shows up and pees on my mental health. (The footage of the Banshee is too scary to upload at this time)

Lesson? When old people die a polter-fucking-giest comes to scare the living shit out of everyone in the fucking village, but only in Ireland and only if there's leprechauns in the movie.

Simply put: Fuck knows? What does a Banshee have to do with reality? seriously?

No. 3

In the film, Indy teams up with James Bond (see Darby O'Gill and the little people) to hunt for The Jesus cup. Sounds nice and simple right? it seems that way until our hero walks into a room filled with about 5 million cups and a fucking Knight looking blankly at him. Suddenly the Baddie hastily rushes for a cup, needless to say the cup melts his face off. (he was a crap baddie anyway nowhere near as scary as Jafar)

Lesson: If you go for the first cup in a room with about 5 million cups, you are retarded, more so if you choose a jewl incrusted cup. Jesus was a fucking carpenter you tool, he wasn't a pimp, read your fucking Bible, Jesus, Fuck!?!

Simply put: Take your time and choose wisely.

No. 2

I was very young, and my father thought I'd like a film called Bill & Ted. In the film a pair of dim but lovable guitar heads from the 80's explore time to get an A on their history paper. I liked it all right, but it wasn't until Dad came back from the video shop the following week with the sequel that I truly burst a blood vessel with excitement.

Little did I know that a moment approximately 10 minutes into the film would haunt me to my grave. Bill & Ted robots are built by a baddie scarier then Jafar from Aladdin, these robots then proceed to pull their fucking faces off and around their heads, then wearing them like huddies as their robotic skelatal faces stare coldly into the camera, their piercing gaze slowly burning itself into your soul. I couldn't sleep... I still can't sleep.

Lesson: Don't annoy people otherwise they'll make replicas of you that kill you, steal your womenfolk, then proceed to play basketball with their heads (true story) genrally fucking your life up.

Simply put. Be nice.

No. 1

The Chest buster, a creature fashioned by Giger to in every respect resemble a male cock. The creature then battles Sigorney Weaver in the ultimate battle of Cock vs Female (see also James Bond movies) It may be truely recock-ulous but it scared me so much I still barf all over my smoothy when ever I see a poster that even hints Sigorney Weaver might be in some way to associated with the film.

The film student in me tells us that this film has something to do with gender identity or rape or something.

Lesson? Men must hunt-down and can kill everything relentlessly, and that the only way you can beat men is by sucking them out an airlock of an interplanetary space craft.

Simply put, don't stick your nose in other peoples business & don't fuck with women of they'll run over your head with the car several times.

And there you have it. A list of 5 films my father showed me between the age of 1 and 10 to teach me valuable life lessons. And you know - I think they're not bad lessons even if the small price I still pay is I uncontrolably curl into the fetal position during the specified scenes in the above films...

I'm sure dad (if that's his real name) thinks it was worth the trama. He didn't pussy foot around (like your dad) when it came to child-rearing.