A Solution to Winter

Professer Luke Leslie 18th November 2006

I woke up today. I am severly disinclined to waking up early. Big deal I hear you say, everyone hates getting up early. But getting up has to be one of my least favorite pass times, most my friends and family I'm sure would attest to this. I love sleeping, especially for long excessive periods of time. It being November now I wake up to a considerably poor fun environment. Today I tromped to college and the bitter cold nearly melted my face off. It was severely crap, and then It hit me...

Hibernation

I propose people start to Hibernate. Lots of mammals do it. It looks great, all summer and autumn little critters start gathering food, they bring it to their burrows and eat and eat until they get very fat. Then when the temperature gets to a certain temperature a little internal clock tells them to say their goodbyes till spring, go home and go to sleep. All good for sure, but how would this work for us personages?

Okay, so this would actually be very simple. To Hibernate you simply need to follow the same guiding principle Bears, Squirrels, Hedgehogs cleverly drew up some years ago to escape the drudgery of getting up in the morning during winter. Lets see: you eat allot until you get fat, then you just need to find somewhere spherical in shape for you to sleep for 3 months. I'll be promoting the Snooze Cocoon design pictured once Hibernatology takes off. Horse tranculizers could be emplyed to help you fall into deep sleep, failing that you could always watch Sean Plunketts film "This never happened " which will be distributed with your Nap Sack packs - which will initially be mailed to your house.

Hibernation during winter would have to be the most logical time, it is statistically the crappest season. People have tried to brighten it up by placing Christmas and New years there, but my mind then drifts to the Southern hemisphere, and how they just have it better, having those 2 celebrations half way though their summer. Winter is cold, grey and generally awful. So my hibernation plan would have to make a few alterations to the calendar. For example I'd want Christmas - but when it suits me. Ideally when I wake up, think about it, mid autumn, things get a little nippy, maybe around Halloween, then you eats lots of food, fall asleep and when you wake up... Christmas... and presents for everyone.

This Holiday would then logically end up being combined with a brand new and far more important holiday "National Awakening day" - making it a double holiday, which are always more fun. You'd also be waking just prior to Easter - then a its just a short skip and a jump until June 21st - the solstice would be our New New Year. So far I fail to see any problems with my plan. I'm sure you can see from my ramblings that this Hibernation plan would be best suited if everyone adopted it, so as we all still live by the same calendar. This might be hard to enforce, so I don't know, perhaps robots could be employed to make sure everyone gets into their snooze cocoons on time, again Emo's who instead choose to not hibernate would either have to submit and agree to Hibernation or instead left to face a mechanized robotoid man hunt across 7 continents that like of which the world has never seen. Make a good film, almost like Logan's Run except with Hibernation, Emo kids and dangerous robots. - You can't make it, it's mine.

Lets see, then there's the people on the equator who don't really celebrate in the joys of winterdom. They wouldn't really have any need to hibernate, so I can't see any solution other then letting the escape the wrath of the sleep enforcing cybertrons. But when you look at it, countries on the equator are pretty shit gaffs. During those 3 months while the northern hemisphere is on power conservation mode, tucked up in their cocoons, these disadvantaged countries could use to catch up and improve their povopoly. Happy time.

The winter for the Aussies and South Africans and Latin america - i.e. the southern hemisphere is our summer. But that doesn't stop them hibernating. They can do it during the months of June - August, thus half the world is asleep - regenerating and saving energy. This plan is very Enviromentally friendly.

Heres the kicker (This math is flawless) Okay so 3 months of hibernation = 2016 hours of pure sleepy-time - a pretty similar figure to the average sleep a person gets in a year - that number being 2688. However there is still a difference of 672 hours - or 28 days. However you could pretty much stay awake for 9 months solid - taking your 28 days sleep allocation at a stint or spread out. Think about the productivity increase! And the party time increase.

I suggest we launch this campaign in the morrow. Scientific fact be damned - Hibernatology is a sudo-science. And that's good enough for the christians. and lets see the other religious minorities face robots with lasers. I'm not trying to insight violence, I just know I'm right.

and you can't prove me wrong if I'm right.

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