Toilet Roll

Luke Leslie 7th April 2007

Have you ever actually sat and pondered the ideas and thought processes behind a piece of toilet paper? Sadly I have, there's often no reading material in the toilets I frequent. The notion that toilet paper in a bum is somehow more civilized then using water (see the middle east) smells a little pooey too me. But beyond that, I don't see much alternative bar perhaps the possibilities of 3 futuristic and indecipherable seashells on a shelf (see Demolition Man).

Nothings worse then Tesco Quality loo roll, its like sandpaper, and while I am by no means an Eco Warrior who eats exclusivly organics and commutes to work on the back of a lama. While we live in a society that uses toilet paper. I do see the need for a loo role that doest remove layers of skin with frequent use.Today luxury toilet rolls come in two flavors: Andre or Kitten soft. Dog or Cat. The question is which do you wipe your bum with?

It seems these companies have taken two animals people associate with softness, and then marketed them for a product that does what? Gets stuck up your bum - wiped about - then flushed down a sewer. Would you do that to a puppy, or a kitten? I know I would, but I don't think that reflects the sentiments of the majority of the populace.I think PETA needs to get their act together, and start protesting, nay racketeering outside the headquarters of these demented companies.

What exactly does a fluffy kitten have to do with your asshole anyway? It's about as far away from reality as you can get. What interests me is this PC world of Euphemisms and cryptic advertising is that nobody bats and eyelid, it's just accepted. Think for a moment how strange the whole situation is to a hunting and gathering bushmen (not the White-house, Africa you moron) to me the very notion of Fluffy Animal branded loo role is absurd.

What also baffles me is that our family, a cat loving troupe, seem to prefer Kitten Soft- surely not? Shouldn't we be sticking puppy branded bog roll up our bums? This is animal favoritism gone mad I know, but wouldn't it in a crazy kind of way make more sense of a cat loving family to equate pooing with dogs rather then cats, and vice versa in a dog household? Is this some kind of anal retentive cry for help?

And besides can you literally imagine wiping your ass with a kitten? Lets explore this idea, which is the literal interpretation of the advertising these companies use. First and foremost, wiping your bum with kitten would make it very very upset, it would most likely scratch your asshole off. So you'd probably have to sedate it with some kind of mild drug, but getting a kitten to eat anything is a task in itself, most cats I've had know when something is odd with their food, and don't usually eat it. So I suppose you could use some kind of sleeping gas on it, or keep it in a very mild temperatured mini-fridge in place of the toilet role holder.

The next ethical conundrum comes with flushing. Do you really want to kill a kitten every time you wipe your bum? Again - I personally have no quams with it, but as I said earlier I don't but I don't think that reflects the sentiments of the majority of the populace. I suppose you don't have to kill it, you could clean it, so you'd now need to invent some kind of mini washer/dryer for the animal, but this would probably be redundant as a the Lightspeed spin cycle would probably cause the kitten to spontaneously combust.

So next time you are browsing for loo role, put some thought into your purchase before grabbing the nearer product with the absurd and highly irrelevant advertising. I know, I know, you're bombarded daily with it on TV, but think of the stupidity behind it, and perhaps you'll come to the same conclusion as me -buy loo role that does exactly what it says on the tin, and remember that kittens and puppies have very little to do with your bum, except that they too have bums.

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